Say No To Things That Increase Your Stress!
At one time or another, in both serious and trivial matters, we’ve all benefited from the encouragement of someone whose opinion we trust. First, here’s a trivial example of what I mean.
Picture it: A dressing room within a small boutique along your favorite strip of stores.
Your shopping today has been unfocused up until now, but that’s about to change. You’ve just found several items you like in this store and you and your friend begin to do some serious trying-on.
As you exit your dressing room wearing your first pick, you are cautiously optimistic. You quickly head toward the three-way mirror at the end of the dressing room hall to give yourself the once-over.
You like what you see and know that this dress would be perfect for the event coming up next week, but the price tag catches you off guard. If you were shopping alone, you know you’d put it back and move on. It’s expensive and so, you would decide, it’s better to keep looking.
Just as you reach your arms toward the back of your neck to find the zipper and head toward your room, your friend emerges from hers. She’s smiling widely, and without skipping a beat, you ask her the question that women have been asking one another in moments like these since Ethel met Lucy…
“Should I get it?”
“YES!” she says. “It looks fantastic!”
You believe her, and the four words you utter next fill you with contentment:
“Okay, then I will!”
As you discard your other items and sashay toward the register with your perfect find, all is right in the Universe.
You’re content on the deepest of levels, and not because of the dress, but because your friend has given you the permission you hadn’t realized you needed to do something for yourself.
Many times in my work with those who are taking care of an aging parent, I’ve been reminded of the power of permission.
Family caregivers are by definition, “givers”, but rarely in my experience, “takers”.
“Taking”, they tell themselves both consciously and unconsciously, can come later…after the tasks at hand are complete.
Many don’t realize for some time that “later” is now, so that if the vacation, or the day off to decompress, or even just the hot bath isn’t “taken” now, it may never be, because the days and the tasks keep coming.
Just like in the shopping example I gave, permission in these instances, is powerful. So when I can sense that it’s needed, I give it.
A few months ago I had just such an occasion when a woman who had been providing care to her friend of 20 years who has Alzheimer’s, came to see me. It was just before Thanksgiving and the thought of a holiday celebration with her extended family sounded about as appealing to her as root canal.
In the course of our conversation, her exhaustion – which was the result of transitioning her friend from the hospital to an assisted living facility a few days prior – was palpable.
Recently unemployed and under financial pressure to find work, the last several weeks had consisted of a steady stream of phone calls related to her friend’s discharge, and trips to and from the facility to drop off items that she’d hoped would help her friend to settle in.
As our conversation drew to a close and she began to gather her things she said the following:
“Before I go, Maria, I just have to ask you something,”
“Go right ahead,” I said encouragingly.
“Well,” she began, “the family dinner on Thanksgiving with my parents and a few of my brothers…with the questions and the judgments about what I’m doing to help Shirley and how I should be focused on finding a job…I just don’t think I can take it right now.”
Recognizing the significance of the moment, I spoke slowly and looked her straight in the eye as I had so many clients before her…
“So then, you don’t go,” I said.
“I don’t go?” she repeated.
“That’s right,” I said. “You don’t go.”
After a long pause and a very deep breath she looked up at me and reached out her hand to grasp mine.
“Thank you,” she said.
And she stood up and headed toward the door.
Related posts:
