If your aging parent has dementia (and even if he/she doesn’t), the thought of him/her driving is most definitely enough to keep you up at night.
What if they forget the route home?
What if their reflexes aren’t so good and they get hit by a speeding car from the side or worse, they hit and injure someone else?
If these are the thoughts running in your head, you’re probably wondering how to proceed. My best advice is slowly and with the utmost respect for the complexity of this situation.
Your aging parent is an adult and he/she does not want to feel like a child. For better or worse those proverbial car keys are as much a symbol of independence and possibility now, as they were when they first found their way into his 20-something year-old hands. Giving up something that is that valuable – particularly when you don’t share the belief that it’s the best thing – is very challenging. The ego is involved BIG TIME here and we need to tread lightly.
Below are some tips to a successful conversation about letting go of the car keys…
1) Check your tone – don’t be condescending or the conversation will be over before it even starts
2 ) Be clear about the message which is: I’m concerned” not “You’re incompetent.”
3) Acknowledge the difficulty in what you’re asking for. In other words shoot for:
“I know how hard what I’m asking you to do is. It must seem like I’m asking you to give up your freedom,”
instead of…
“C’mon, Dad. You know this has to happen. We can’t have you go on like this.” (Notice how the second statement implies that this is an easy decision that Dad just ought to hurry up and make already.”
4) Don’t make this “all or nothing.” If dad agrees to stay off the highways at first, understand that this is progress. You can and should tell him if you think that isn’t enough, but don’t push. If the decision is to stick, it has to be his.
5) Consider (and offer) the alternatives. Beware of ending this conversation with no alternatives. That is completely deflating and depressing. Instead, find a family member to help you with some basic research on senior services in the area.
6) Understand that if mom/dad has Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia, this conversation is going to need to be had more than once. This will be harder on you than on your aging parent because he/she won’t remember the last talk. Rest up and repeat exactly what worked for you the last time.
Have you had the car keys conversation? Got some tips and/or thoughts to share? Did it not go so well and you want some feedback? That’s alright! Let me know about it in the comments below.
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